Scared

I watched a PG move tonight with family

that cracked me wide open

and it scared me

am i otherwise shut off?

too busy trying to maintain some kind of routine

in order to keep sane

but missing out on something deeper?

i saw my youngest like she was made of fluorescent little polkadots

every motion she made looked like glowing streaks of something trying to get my attention

has it been this way all along yet I was too closed off to see it?

I found myself quietly crying, hoping not to make a weeping noise

family nearby might worry

I wanted to fall apart

My oldest was surprised to see me sad toward the movie’s end

I pulled her in close to me, she acquiesced, resting her head on my lap.

“I miss Daddy”, the words I knew she wanted to say.

I did too

And i knew how she felt

like something was missing

I kept feeling like I’d hear the jingle of Mo’s dog tag nearby

except we left her at home

I am scared

In the way I expected to feel on my week off staycation

But never did

Too busy, perhaps?

With planning or trying hard not to plan.

But I am scared that

in these moments, induced by caught-by-surprise-emotions

combined with brief respite from the roles I play

where I feel like I see them and understand them with such vivid clarity

that it makes me wonder

if my awareness only points to my lack of awareness otherwise

or if I am working too hard elsewhere in life that I am less aware in general

are these hints that imply there is a better way?

or just glimpses of the pureness that only reveals itself intermittently anyway?



 © Houseman 2013